Welcome to the Church of Bill

You may be wondering, "What the Hell is this?" Personally, I wish more people would ask that question more often, particularly when they're sitting in church, or when they're being made to feel guilty because they don't live their life in accordance with somebody else's twisted vision of "the good life." I wouldn't mind it if more people had a "What the Hell is this?" experience when repeating some of the claptrap that passes for religious truth.

Forget about WWJD. What we all need is a bracelet that says, "WTHIT?" I'd buy one. Better yet, I'd sell one. I should probably get to work on that, along with a batch of holy water and a cross made out of recycled beer cans.

The Church of Bill is the religion I created for myself. It's the religion you could create for yourself, though when you do it, you should probably use your own name, as using mine would simply mean you're just another follower - and the world is all stocked up on followers. Otherwise, the Church of Bill is a generic label for the very concept of taking ownership of what you believe.

Let's face it, religions steal. They steal shamelessly. What's worse, they lie when they do it. They invent elaborate lies about how God came down and gave their fearless leader a post-it note with all of the answers to The Big Test. You either believe their nonsense or you're an Infidel who belongs in The Hot Box. All religions have a To-Do List and a set of No-No's. But the biggest No-No is to question the very system and its nonsense.

Do this enough and you shoot past Infidel, skip over Antichrist and go straight to The Devil. But why play this game? Why let your beliefs be dictated to you by Dead People? Why let yourself be bullied by The God Squad? Why not stand up and be your own Prophet? Why not invent your own Scripture? Why not join The Church of Bill?

WHAT I BELIEVE - THE 10 OBSERVATIONS

1) If life has a purpose, your guess is as good as mine.
2) All scripture is a comic book.
3) Experience and common sense beat 100 dead prophets.
4) Organized religion is show-biz.
5) If God didn't stop the Holocaust, you'd better answer your own prayers.
6) Turning water into wine is a parlor trick; try raising a child.
7) You are what you eat; you were what you excrete.
8) Stop waiting for permission.
9) There are no sins, just cause and effect.
10) Heaven and Hell are what you make of life.

OBSERVATION #1: IF LIFE HAS A PURPOSE, YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE.

What's the purpose of life? Everybody has an answer. In fact, everybody is peddling an answer. But nobody has proof. That's probably significant.

Some say it's because God wants us to accept what Some Guy says God tell him, on faith. But if God wants everybody to accept The Truth on faith, why did he bother to tell Some Guy? I guess God didn't have Faith that the rest of us would find The Truth on our own, so he told Some Guy, who now wants the rest of us to embrace The Truth on Faith. In fact, God didn't even have Faith that Some Guy would find The Truth on Faith, which is why God came down and handed a post-it note to Some Guy.

Here's an idea: Why not be your own Some Guy? Maybe the bus you're on doesn't go all the way to Mount Sinai, but if the world is round, God's Elevator can descend at your house. Figure out your own Meaning of Life. Be the recipient of The Truth. Just remember, however, that other people want to swim in the pool, and splashing isn't allowed. Unless you have proof that your version of The Truth is as clear and convincing as the tax code, take it easy on the rest of us sinners.

OBSERVATION #2: ALL SCRIPTURE IS A COMIC BOOK

Whenever Some Guy finds The Truth, he writes it down in The Big Book. He's pretty sure he's found The Truth, so sure, in fact, he thinks it's as good as if God's Elevator came down above his head and delivered him a post-it note. But since he knows that the rest of us aren't likely to accept The Truth on Faith, he jazzes it up into a Comic Book. All Scripture is a Comic Book.

By that, I don't mean that Scripture is A Big Lie. In fact, all Scripture is choc full of Marvelous Truths. But anybody can discover Marvelous Truths. As I mentioned before Your Guess Is As Good As Mine. So, for proprietary reasons, Marvelous Truths are turned into The Truth by constructing a Comic Book called Scripture. Some Guy tells The Sacred Story, which is usually about as plausible as Blade 3. Your job and mine is to be so kind as to find Marvelous Truths within the pages of The Comic Book. If we're Smart, we'll find those Marvelous Truths. If we're Stupid, we'll either conclude, on Faith, that this is The Truth or A Big Lie.

3) EXPERIENCE AND COMMON SENSE BEAT 100 DEAD PROPHETS

Religion is a form of Cultural Poetry. It allows us to celebrate and acknowledge Marvelous Truths by reading from The Comic Book. If we're Smart, we'll do that. Part of being Smart is to use Experience and Common Sense. Doing so helps us distinguish between The Comic Book and Reality. Without Experience and Common Sense, people tend to read Scripture, take The Truth literally and do Stupid Things. This includes Judging, Persecuting, Bullying, Starving, Waiting, Poking, Prodding and Hallucinating.

Without Experience and Common Sense, True Believers are likely to take, on Faith, whatever they read as Truth, and do Stupid Things. Experience and Common Sense balance out the Truth of 100 Dead Prophets so that Scripture becomes a Comic Book and The Truth becomes Marvelous Truths in a world where Your Guess Is As Good As Mine.

4) ORGANIZED RELIGION IS SHOW-BIZ

Often, when True Believers fail to distinguish between Scripture and The Comic Book, they will also fail to notice that Organized Religion Is Show Biz.

They'll fail to notice that Churches and other Places of Worship are really Theaters, where Patrons are greeted by Ushers and directed to their Seats for Performances known as Services. These Services often employ Mood Music, begin and end with a Prologue and Epilogue, include Performances, Speeches and Invocations. Great Dramas unfold, including Magic Words and Divine Acts.

True Believers overlook the reality that Organized Religion Is Show Biz. It is an opportunity for Participants to Practice Their Religion by Acting Out the Marvelous Truths of their Comic Book. If done with an eye toward Experience and Common Sense, Participants are able to See the relationship between their Myth and Reality. In a world where Your Guess Is As Good As Mine, each Participant becomes Some Guy and Sees the Comic Book in his Reality and the Reality in his Comic Book. Those who are Stupid simply Swallow the Truth of their Scripture and Lose Their Way.

5) IF GOD DIDN'T STOP THE HOLOCAUST, YOU'D BETTER ANSWER YOUR OWN PRAYERS

In this life, Anything Goes. Proof of that is The Holocaust, where six million people were systematically slaughtered. God didn't stop it. The Seventh Army did. So did the godless Communists. It took a war involving the deaths of 30 million people to end the Holocaust. If God couldn't be bothered about the Holocaust, do you really think you'll get some action on that prayer for a parking space? If God doesn't care enough about 6 million people to stop them from being slaughtered, what makes you think he'll get right on turning your B's into A's?

In this life, the best way to get an Answer to Prayer is to Answer Your Own Prayers. If you want something, Take Action. You don't need Magic or Power From On High to change a light bulb, take out the trash, do the dishes or clean your room. Heaven helps those who help themselves. And when it doesn't, those who help themselves help themselves. Be God as often as you can, and you'll never be God-Forsaken.

6) TURNING WATER INTO WINE IS A PARLOR TRICK; TRY RAISING A CHILD

Scripture is full of Miracles, the stuff of Comic Books. The seas are parted. Water becomes wine. Candles burn for longer than expected. But those are Parlor Tricks, God showing off for the afternoon crowd. The real Miracles come when Stupid People stop doing Stupid Things and Raise a Child. You don't need to Raise the Dead if you can Save the Living. Help the Helpless, Feed the Hungry, Educate the Ignorant, Amuse the Bored. Men perform Miracles. Women Raise a Child.

7) YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT; YOU WERE WHAT YOU EXCRETE

Each of us must Take Responsibility for what we Believe and Do. Our Choirces determine Who We Are.

8) STOP WAITING FOR PERMISSION

The Churches of Men are about Control. Some Guy gives you His Guess, hands you a Comic Book, tells you to obey 100 Dead Prophets, gives you Show Biz, tells you to Pray and Wait, impresses you with Parlor Tricks and tells you to Wait for Permission. You have to have Permission to be Ritually Cleansed, Forgiven of your Sins, Ordained to the Ministry or Sent Out to Do Good. In the Church of Bill, you don't need Permission. You need to Take Action. Your Choices determine Who You Are.

9) THERE ARE NO SINS, JUST CAUSE AND EFFECT

Sin is a Truth believed in by True Believers because they are Stupid. Scripture tells you that you must Obey whatever Truth you are Handed, in Faith, from Some Guy. If you don't, you will go into The Hot Box. In the Church of Bill, Your Guess Is As Good As Mine. You Are What You Eat and You Were What You Excrete. Whenever you Take Action, you produce Results. This is known as Cause and Effect. If you don't want a Negative Result, don't Choose a Negative Action. If, on the other hand, an Action doesn't produce a Negative Result, maybe the Truth you've been Handed, on Faith, by Some Guy, is A Big Lie. Your Guess Is As Good As Mine. Just remember, You Are What You Eat and You Were What You Excrete.

10) HEAVEN AND HELL ARE WHAT YOU MAKE OF LIFE

In many religions, The Truth is that True Believers go to Heaven and Infidels go to Hell, also known as The Hot Box. This is The Truth, as dictated by 100 Dead Prophets, in Scripture. True Believers cannot distinguish this from A Big Lie because they can't see the difference between their Comic Book and Reality. But if You Are You Eat and You Were What You Excrete, There Are No Sins, Just Cause and Effect. In other words, Heaven and Hell Are What Make of Life.

Our own lives are full of Marvelous Truths, including the Reality that Whenever You Take Action, You Produce Results. Those Results can be Positive or Negative. It's not a matter of Waiting. It's a matter of Doing. If you want Happy Results, do Happy Things. You can try to Cheat the System, whether you can Get Away With It or not, Your Guess Is As Good As Mine.